Good. Tired. Exhausted. Left wondering. Missing hearing God's voice. Wishing to see more growth in my girls. Discouraged. Encouraged. Discouraged again.
The past two weeks have been good- but it seems every day, every week, every camp, has struggles of its own. Rather, provokes struggles within me. Sometimes its struggles with campers- "how do I deal with this camper? How do I get them to listen?" Often its "how do I represent Christ to them and love them?" Along with struggles that go along with the specific campers I have is the struggles that I seem to continually have inside myself. Struggles between me and the Lord. With my heart being in the right place, with my motive being pure, with a heart that is present, crying out for guidance for next year and fearing that none will come....
I still get up every morning early enough to have time to hang out and spend with the Lord- it has been neat to see how God has given me the strength to do this every morning at camp. I've always struggled with getting up early- but this summer, it hasn't been an issue. I want and need that time with the Lord badly enough, and he gives me the strength and self-discipline to get up early to have it. It is good. The past couple weeks though, the time goes by so fast, and I feel like I barely even get to meet with him. I long to hear his voice, to feel his presence, to have his peace....
This last week at camp Elohim in Montana, the camp was going to be short one guy councelor, so it actually worked out for Doug to come hang out for a week and fill that spot. It was a really big encouragement to have him there. Having him be there, someone who really knows me and who I'm really comfortable with, made a huge difference in even just the freedom I felt to be myself, to laugh, to be crazy, to be real. It was such an encouragement having him there. When his festival team dropped him off, I got to see Megs, Hannah, and Robyn for a bit as well, which was a huge encouragement as well. It is neat to know that God planned this all out from the beginning and knew it would happen before we did.
Although it was a good, encouraging week having Doug there- inside, the struggles still continued. Things that I thought I had got over, or that the Lord had healed me from- were coming back. Stuff with family, hatred for guys, pains from the past, desires, longings, frustrations...it felt like so much stuff that I needed to deal with and re-deal with- yet aside from the morning time I had with God- there isn't another minute throughout the day when I was alone. It was hard to try to process and work through stuff, while trying to be present with my girls at the camp. So I would talk stuff over with God in the mornings, and then try to not think about the struggles the rest of the day in order to be able to be present and fully there with my girls.
It is discouraging to see old struggles come back full force.
Several kids at camp Elohim this last week accepted Christ which was neat to see. It is neat to see God move. To see him change hearts.
Please keep praying for us. Pray for strength, for team unity, for the girls that I've had and that I'll have this next week, and that God would guide in future plans.....
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