Good. Tired. Exhausted. Left wondering. Missing hearing God's voice. Wishing to see more growth in my girls. Discouraged. Encouraged. Discouraged again.
The past two weeks have been good- but it seems every day, every week, every camp, has struggles of its own. Rather, provokes struggles within me. Sometimes its struggles with campers- "how do I deal with this camper? How do I get them to listen?" Often its "how do I represent Christ to them and love them?" Along with struggles that go along with the specific campers I have is the struggles that I seem to continually have inside myself. Struggles between me and the Lord. With my heart being in the right place, with my motive being pure, with a heart that is present, crying out for guidance for next year and fearing that none will come....
I still get up every morning early enough to have time to hang out and spend with the Lord- it has been neat to see how God has given me the strength to do this every morning at camp. I've always struggled with getting up early- but this summer, it hasn't been an issue. I want and need that time with the Lord badly enough, and he gives me the strength and self-discipline to get up early to have it. It is good. The past couple weeks though, the time goes by so fast, and I feel like I barely even get to meet with him. I long to hear his voice, to feel his presence, to have his peace....
This last week at camp Elohim in Montana, the camp was going to be short one guy councelor, so it actually worked out for Doug to come hang out for a week and fill that spot. It was a really big encouragement to have him there. Having him be there, someone who really knows me and who I'm really comfortable with, made a huge difference in even just the freedom I felt to be myself, to laugh, to be crazy, to be real. It was such an encouragement having him there. When his festival team dropped him off, I got to see Megs, Hannah, and Robyn for a bit as well, which was a huge encouragement as well. It is neat to know that God planned this all out from the beginning and knew it would happen before we did.
Although it was a good, encouraging week having Doug there- inside, the struggles still continued. Things that I thought I had got over, or that the Lord had healed me from- were coming back. Stuff with family, hatred for guys, pains from the past, desires, longings, frustrations...it felt like so much stuff that I needed to deal with and re-deal with- yet aside from the morning time I had with God- there isn't another minute throughout the day when I was alone. It was hard to try to process and work through stuff, while trying to be present with my girls at the camp. So I would talk stuff over with God in the mornings, and then try to not think about the struggles the rest of the day in order to be able to be present and fully there with my girls.
It is discouraging to see old struggles come back full force.
Several kids at camp Elohim this last week accepted Christ which was neat to see. It is neat to see God move. To see him change hearts.
Please keep praying for us. Pray for strength, for team unity, for the girls that I've had and that I'll have this next week, and that God would guide in future plans.....
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
WEEK 4: CAMP SHILOH; DONELLY, IDAHO
This was a tough week. The camp itself was pretty fun- there were horses to ride, we went on this long hike (i call it the "hike of death" because you were basically climbing/ sliding in the snow and brush straight down a mountain) the hike led to a lake (which I call the "lake of death" because it was melted snow), we went white water rafting, had Bible quizzing, played lots of volleyball, and did a lot of fun activities. And although all these activities were pretty fun, the week still felt like a constant struggle. Our team, as a whole, is pretty dis-unified..and it began to catch up to me and become a real discouragement. I also had a particular girl in my cabin who had a really rough background and had a lot of issues that kept me on my toes chasing after her constantly and kept my emotions on a continual roller coaster. It was tough after having Darrin with us for two weeks- to not have him around to make us laugh, encourage us, and walk through the tough times with us. I missed having him around. He had become such a big part of our team. In my times with the Lord every morning, he (God) felt very far away, which was also discouraging because my need for Him was so great. I know he was not far away, and that I cannot walk through this life with God, basing my relationship with Him on my emotions of whether he feels near or not- but it was discouraging after weeks of hearing him speak to me consistently and feeling him intimately walking through life with me- to have him feel distant and not hear his voice. I missed it; I missed Him.
I didn't think about it, until later when I was talking with Kyle and he said he had experienced the same thing this week and he suggested that maybe it was spiritual warfare.
Despite the struggle of this week, God continues to show me his faithfullness. He continues to answer my prayers in direct ways that encourage me and give me hope. He continues to let me see Him work in my girls' lives. And he continues to fill me with joy and contentment even in the rough times. I talked to people on my team about the dis-unity I felt among our team, and it was met with understanding and kindness. I left Camp Shiloh feeling exhausted, and now, one day later, feel energized and ready for our next group of kids tomorrow. I feel excited for the rest of this adventure of a summer. And most of all, excited and thankful to God for the way he loves me and is faithful to me and for the way I get to walk through this life with Him. It makes life such a joy- so good. So sweet. Seeing Him in the hard times, seeing him answer my prayers when my heart is alligned with His. Seeing Him give me a heart that is present, that loves. Seeing Him be enough for me- for every desire, every need. He is good. And my response is worship and thankfulnness.
I didn't think about it, until later when I was talking with Kyle and he said he had experienced the same thing this week and he suggested that maybe it was spiritual warfare.
Despite the struggle of this week, God continues to show me his faithfullness. He continues to answer my prayers in direct ways that encourage me and give me hope. He continues to let me see Him work in my girls' lives. And he continues to fill me with joy and contentment even in the rough times. I talked to people on my team about the dis-unity I felt among our team, and it was met with understanding and kindness. I left Camp Shiloh feeling exhausted, and now, one day later, feel energized and ready for our next group of kids tomorrow. I feel excited for the rest of this adventure of a summer. And most of all, excited and thankful to God for the way he loves me and is faithful to me and for the way I get to walk through this life with Him. It makes life such a joy- so good. So sweet. Seeing Him in the hard times, seeing him answer my prayers when my heart is alligned with His. Seeing Him give me a heart that is present, that loves. Seeing Him be enough for me- for every desire, every need. He is good. And my response is worship and thankfulnness.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
WEEK 3: CAMP MORROW; WAMIC, OR
I can't believe we just finished our 3rd week of camp!! God continues to be faithful and to give me strength and to teach me through everything that happens. I had a group of 8 girls this last week- as well as a co-cabin leader (she was a really sweet girl!). I was struggling on the first day of camp, once again, because I felt like my heart wasn't there. Darrin and I talked about it, and how important and essential it is to have a heart that is present. A heart that is there. But, my heart wasn't, at all. I was tired and worn out- and honestly, I just didn't want to be there. I desired to have a heart that was present- but I didn't know how to make it so it was. As I took this before the Lord though, it was so neat, because I got to see him make my heart present. As I desired and longed to be more like Him, to serve and please Him, to have a heart that was right, I got to see him work and change my heart and change me granting me what I had prayed for- because it was aligned with what he wanted for me. I got to see God give me strength when I had none. Make me awake and alert, when I had barely gotten any sleep. As I prayed for love and compassion for my girls, I got to see Him fill me with love and compassion for them. As I prayed for divine appointments/opportunities to hang out with my girls alone to talk with them and listen to them - I saw God set up those times for almost every one of my girls, where I got to talk, and pray and listen as they poured out their lives and where they were at to me. As I prayed for words and calmness leading cabin devotions I saw God calm my mind and speak through me and make my girls open and ready to discuss and share. I heard when the Spirit would whisper or prompt me to go talk to a certain girl..and even when I didn't understand why, but I obeyed anyway...I got to see how God knows what the girls need, and if I obey he will bring me to them at the right time right when they need to talk and need someone to listen. It was really really neat.
Having Darrin, the speaker from last weeks camp, be at this camp as well, was a huge blessing. He was such an encouragement to our team. He was intentional to encourage us, to check up on us to see how we were individually doing, and to pray for us. God really spoke through him, once again, during chapel sessions- the kids loved him, as did we. But even more than his ability to make us all laugh or his great teaching during chapel- was the way he represented Jesus. He represented Jesus well. He loved well.
It was really hard to say goodbye to Him at the end of th week. We are going to get to stop by his house near the end of our summer for a day or two and hang out with him and his family, which we are all really excited about. I am excited to meet his wife, who he is so in love with, and his children which he talks so highly about. It will be good.
My girls this week were neat girls, but girls who had really really rough lives. It was heart breaking. Constantly. What they had been through was mind boggling. Horrible, horrible things that no one should have to go through. My heart felt pained and broken for them because of their pasts, because of what they were going through now, and most of all, because many of them don't know what it means to walk through life with God. They don't have a relationship with the Lord, and so they walk through all lifes crud on their own. Dealing with the pain any way they can.
I was constantly in prayer for them this week that God would get ahold of their hearts. That he would soften their hearts and draw them to himself. I never saw any huge change in their lives- but I left knowing that I had to trust God with them. Trust that he wasn't done working in their lives and trusting that he loves them more than I do. It was hard though.
It was a good week, but it was a hard one. God continually showed me his faithfulness and his love for me. I continually saw Him working in my life, teaching me, changing me, showing me that I need to drop my agenda and pick up His. Showing me that it is good, and Christ-like to bear my girls burdens, and to have a heart that is broken for them, reminding me to always be real and honest and not make anything professional. Seeing Darrin and the kind of dad and husband he was and the way he represented the Lord was really neat, but also made me cry on more than one occasion out of longing to have a dad like that. It made a longing and pain come alive that I have suppressed for awhile.
Having Darrin, the speaker from last weeks camp, be at this camp as well, was a huge blessing. He was such an encouragement to our team. He was intentional to encourage us, to check up on us to see how we were individually doing, and to pray for us. God really spoke through him, once again, during chapel sessions- the kids loved him, as did we. But even more than his ability to make us all laugh or his great teaching during chapel- was the way he represented Jesus. He represented Jesus well. He loved well.
It was really hard to say goodbye to Him at the end of th week. We are going to get to stop by his house near the end of our summer for a day or two and hang out with him and his family, which we are all really excited about. I am excited to meet his wife, who he is so in love with, and his children which he talks so highly about. It will be good.
My girls this week were neat girls, but girls who had really really rough lives. It was heart breaking. Constantly. What they had been through was mind boggling. Horrible, horrible things that no one should have to go through. My heart felt pained and broken for them because of their pasts, because of what they were going through now, and most of all, because many of them don't know what it means to walk through life with God. They don't have a relationship with the Lord, and so they walk through all lifes crud on their own. Dealing with the pain any way they can.
I was constantly in prayer for them this week that God would get ahold of their hearts. That he would soften their hearts and draw them to himself. I never saw any huge change in their lives- but I left knowing that I had to trust God with them. Trust that he wasn't done working in their lives and trusting that he loves them more than I do. It was hard though.
It was a good week, but it was a hard one. God continually showed me his faithfulness and his love for me. I continually saw Him working in my life, teaching me, changing me, showing me that I need to drop my agenda and pick up His. Showing me that it is good, and Christ-like to bear my girls burdens, and to have a heart that is broken for them, reminding me to always be real and honest and not make anything professional. Seeing Darrin and the kind of dad and husband he was and the way he represented the Lord was really neat, but also made me cry on more than one occasion out of longing to have a dad like that. It made a longing and pain come alive that I have suppressed for awhile.
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