I'm exhausted. Trout Creek was a huge camp- 260 jr highers. It was definitely one of the toughest camps for me yet. God didn't seem like that big of a deal to the people there- it was like a side thing. We had a chapel once in the morning, and then a Bible study with our cabin later in the afternoon, and that was as far as it went with stuff with God. The camp didn't seem like it was about God. Most of the staff were young highschoolers who, although they were very friendly, were also very self-focused and didn't seem to share our goal of being there for the campers, to represent Jesus, and lead them to Christ. Part of the struggle probably came with the huge contrast too between coming from the camp in Montana which was completely about God- where you heard the gospel 5 or 6 times a day..and then going to a camp that was quite different. I found myself being desperate for God to give me a heart that was a present. A heart and mind set that wasn't just going through the motions to get through the week- but one that was actually present and making the most of every opportunity..and loving my girls and representing Jesus to them. The Bible study times that I got to lead for my cabin (of 13 girls!) turned out to be actually pretty good. It ended up being one of my favorite parts of the day, and it was neat to hear near the end of the week that it was some of my girls favorite times as well. I learned that I needed to speak about things that I was passionate about- things that were real to me. Things that God had taught me that I was excited about. It had to be real and something that God had put on my heart- otherwise, the kids won't even care about it. Basically, if its not truly important to me, it won't be to them either.
I found myself being desperate for God, and once again, seeing him come through and be faithful in my desperation and in my seeking of Him, to reveal himself to me..to give me a heart that was present, and a heart for my girls. He is so good.
This weekend we got to go to Gold Hill and stay with Darrin and his family (that speaker we got to know from 2 of our camps early on in the summer). It was a good weekend..but a very emotionally draining weekend. It was so good to get to hang out and be around Darrin again..to meet his wife and kids and to get to be around them. It was draining though because I was constantly fighting back tears as it stired up the longing to have a dad I was close to like Darrin..a family like Darrin's. It stirred up pain and longings that cause pain. It was good for me to be around Darrin and his wife Candi, and to see the love and respect they have for each other..and I defintely really value the time I got to have with them. It will be sad to take off tomorrow...I am grateful for the time we got with them though, and that God put them in my life, even if only for a short time.
As I see the summer coming to an end, my curiousity and sometimes anxiouty for what comes after this increases. Where will I be? Is God going to open a door somewhere for me? Will I go back to school somewhere? Get an apartment? Have to go back to Portland? There are a few things on my heart.. but right now they are not a possiblity. Will God change the seemingly impossible? What is my desires and what is God's desires for me? Are they alligned or conflicting? Pray that I will hear God's voice about where I should be going after this.
Pray for me and my team as we finish out these last two weeks. Pray that we will finish strong..that we will represent the Lord well. That kids will come to know Him.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
CAMP 5 & 6: CAMP PINECROFT AND CAMP ELOHIM; NEWPORT WASHINGTON & TROY MONTANA
Good. Tired. Exhausted. Left wondering. Missing hearing God's voice. Wishing to see more growth in my girls. Discouraged. Encouraged. Discouraged again.
The past two weeks have been good- but it seems every day, every week, every camp, has struggles of its own. Rather, provokes struggles within me. Sometimes its struggles with campers- "how do I deal with this camper? How do I get them to listen?" Often its "how do I represent Christ to them and love them?" Along with struggles that go along with the specific campers I have is the struggles that I seem to continually have inside myself. Struggles between me and the Lord. With my heart being in the right place, with my motive being pure, with a heart that is present, crying out for guidance for next year and fearing that none will come....
I still get up every morning early enough to have time to hang out and spend with the Lord- it has been neat to see how God has given me the strength to do this every morning at camp. I've always struggled with getting up early- but this summer, it hasn't been an issue. I want and need that time with the Lord badly enough, and he gives me the strength and self-discipline to get up early to have it. It is good. The past couple weeks though, the time goes by so fast, and I feel like I barely even get to meet with him. I long to hear his voice, to feel his presence, to have his peace....
This last week at camp Elohim in Montana, the camp was going to be short one guy councelor, so it actually worked out for Doug to come hang out for a week and fill that spot. It was a really big encouragement to have him there. Having him be there, someone who really knows me and who I'm really comfortable with, made a huge difference in even just the freedom I felt to be myself, to laugh, to be crazy, to be real. It was such an encouragement having him there. When his festival team dropped him off, I got to see Megs, Hannah, and Robyn for a bit as well, which was a huge encouragement as well. It is neat to know that God planned this all out from the beginning and knew it would happen before we did.
Although it was a good, encouraging week having Doug there- inside, the struggles still continued. Things that I thought I had got over, or that the Lord had healed me from- were coming back. Stuff with family, hatred for guys, pains from the past, desires, longings, frustrations...it felt like so much stuff that I needed to deal with and re-deal with- yet aside from the morning time I had with God- there isn't another minute throughout the day when I was alone. It was hard to try to process and work through stuff, while trying to be present with my girls at the camp. So I would talk stuff over with God in the mornings, and then try to not think about the struggles the rest of the day in order to be able to be present and fully there with my girls.
It is discouraging to see old struggles come back full force.
Several kids at camp Elohim this last week accepted Christ which was neat to see. It is neat to see God move. To see him change hearts.
Please keep praying for us. Pray for strength, for team unity, for the girls that I've had and that I'll have this next week, and that God would guide in future plans.....
The past two weeks have been good- but it seems every day, every week, every camp, has struggles of its own. Rather, provokes struggles within me. Sometimes its struggles with campers- "how do I deal with this camper? How do I get them to listen?" Often its "how do I represent Christ to them and love them?" Along with struggles that go along with the specific campers I have is the struggles that I seem to continually have inside myself. Struggles between me and the Lord. With my heart being in the right place, with my motive being pure, with a heart that is present, crying out for guidance for next year and fearing that none will come....
I still get up every morning early enough to have time to hang out and spend with the Lord- it has been neat to see how God has given me the strength to do this every morning at camp. I've always struggled with getting up early- but this summer, it hasn't been an issue. I want and need that time with the Lord badly enough, and he gives me the strength and self-discipline to get up early to have it. It is good. The past couple weeks though, the time goes by so fast, and I feel like I barely even get to meet with him. I long to hear his voice, to feel his presence, to have his peace....
This last week at camp Elohim in Montana, the camp was going to be short one guy councelor, so it actually worked out for Doug to come hang out for a week and fill that spot. It was a really big encouragement to have him there. Having him be there, someone who really knows me and who I'm really comfortable with, made a huge difference in even just the freedom I felt to be myself, to laugh, to be crazy, to be real. It was such an encouragement having him there. When his festival team dropped him off, I got to see Megs, Hannah, and Robyn for a bit as well, which was a huge encouragement as well. It is neat to know that God planned this all out from the beginning and knew it would happen before we did.
Although it was a good, encouraging week having Doug there- inside, the struggles still continued. Things that I thought I had got over, or that the Lord had healed me from- were coming back. Stuff with family, hatred for guys, pains from the past, desires, longings, frustrations...it felt like so much stuff that I needed to deal with and re-deal with- yet aside from the morning time I had with God- there isn't another minute throughout the day when I was alone. It was hard to try to process and work through stuff, while trying to be present with my girls at the camp. So I would talk stuff over with God in the mornings, and then try to not think about the struggles the rest of the day in order to be able to be present and fully there with my girls.
It is discouraging to see old struggles come back full force.
Several kids at camp Elohim this last week accepted Christ which was neat to see. It is neat to see God move. To see him change hearts.
Please keep praying for us. Pray for strength, for team unity, for the girls that I've had and that I'll have this next week, and that God would guide in future plans.....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
WEEK 4: CAMP SHILOH; DONELLY, IDAHO
This was a tough week. The camp itself was pretty fun- there were horses to ride, we went on this long hike (i call it the "hike of death" because you were basically climbing/ sliding in the snow and brush straight down a mountain) the hike led to a lake (which I call the "lake of death" because it was melted snow), we went white water rafting, had Bible quizzing, played lots of volleyball, and did a lot of fun activities. And although all these activities were pretty fun, the week still felt like a constant struggle. Our team, as a whole, is pretty dis-unified..and it began to catch up to me and become a real discouragement. I also had a particular girl in my cabin who had a really rough background and had a lot of issues that kept me on my toes chasing after her constantly and kept my emotions on a continual roller coaster. It was tough after having Darrin with us for two weeks- to not have him around to make us laugh, encourage us, and walk through the tough times with us. I missed having him around. He had become such a big part of our team. In my times with the Lord every morning, he (God) felt very far away, which was also discouraging because my need for Him was so great. I know he was not far away, and that I cannot walk through this life with God, basing my relationship with Him on my emotions of whether he feels near or not- but it was discouraging after weeks of hearing him speak to me consistently and feeling him intimately walking through life with me- to have him feel distant and not hear his voice. I missed it; I missed Him.
I didn't think about it, until later when I was talking with Kyle and he said he had experienced the same thing this week and he suggested that maybe it was spiritual warfare.
Despite the struggle of this week, God continues to show me his faithfullness. He continues to answer my prayers in direct ways that encourage me and give me hope. He continues to let me see Him work in my girls' lives. And he continues to fill me with joy and contentment even in the rough times. I talked to people on my team about the dis-unity I felt among our team, and it was met with understanding and kindness. I left Camp Shiloh feeling exhausted, and now, one day later, feel energized and ready for our next group of kids tomorrow. I feel excited for the rest of this adventure of a summer. And most of all, excited and thankful to God for the way he loves me and is faithful to me and for the way I get to walk through this life with Him. It makes life such a joy- so good. So sweet. Seeing Him in the hard times, seeing him answer my prayers when my heart is alligned with His. Seeing Him give me a heart that is present, that loves. Seeing Him be enough for me- for every desire, every need. He is good. And my response is worship and thankfulnness.
I didn't think about it, until later when I was talking with Kyle and he said he had experienced the same thing this week and he suggested that maybe it was spiritual warfare.
Despite the struggle of this week, God continues to show me his faithfullness. He continues to answer my prayers in direct ways that encourage me and give me hope. He continues to let me see Him work in my girls' lives. And he continues to fill me with joy and contentment even in the rough times. I talked to people on my team about the dis-unity I felt among our team, and it was met with understanding and kindness. I left Camp Shiloh feeling exhausted, and now, one day later, feel energized and ready for our next group of kids tomorrow. I feel excited for the rest of this adventure of a summer. And most of all, excited and thankful to God for the way he loves me and is faithful to me and for the way I get to walk through this life with Him. It makes life such a joy- so good. So sweet. Seeing Him in the hard times, seeing him answer my prayers when my heart is alligned with His. Seeing Him give me a heart that is present, that loves. Seeing Him be enough for me- for every desire, every need. He is good. And my response is worship and thankfulnness.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
WEEK 3: CAMP MORROW; WAMIC, OR
I can't believe we just finished our 3rd week of camp!! God continues to be faithful and to give me strength and to teach me through everything that happens. I had a group of 8 girls this last week- as well as a co-cabin leader (she was a really sweet girl!). I was struggling on the first day of camp, once again, because I felt like my heart wasn't there. Darrin and I talked about it, and how important and essential it is to have a heart that is present. A heart that is there. But, my heart wasn't, at all. I was tired and worn out- and honestly, I just didn't want to be there. I desired to have a heart that was present- but I didn't know how to make it so it was. As I took this before the Lord though, it was so neat, because I got to see him make my heart present. As I desired and longed to be more like Him, to serve and please Him, to have a heart that was right, I got to see him work and change my heart and change me granting me what I had prayed for- because it was aligned with what he wanted for me. I got to see God give me strength when I had none. Make me awake and alert, when I had barely gotten any sleep. As I prayed for love and compassion for my girls, I got to see Him fill me with love and compassion for them. As I prayed for divine appointments/opportunities to hang out with my girls alone to talk with them and listen to them - I saw God set up those times for almost every one of my girls, where I got to talk, and pray and listen as they poured out their lives and where they were at to me. As I prayed for words and calmness leading cabin devotions I saw God calm my mind and speak through me and make my girls open and ready to discuss and share. I heard when the Spirit would whisper or prompt me to go talk to a certain girl..and even when I didn't understand why, but I obeyed anyway...I got to see how God knows what the girls need, and if I obey he will bring me to them at the right time right when they need to talk and need someone to listen. It was really really neat.
Having Darrin, the speaker from last weeks camp, be at this camp as well, was a huge blessing. He was such an encouragement to our team. He was intentional to encourage us, to check up on us to see how we were individually doing, and to pray for us. God really spoke through him, once again, during chapel sessions- the kids loved him, as did we. But even more than his ability to make us all laugh or his great teaching during chapel- was the way he represented Jesus. He represented Jesus well. He loved well.
It was really hard to say goodbye to Him at the end of th week. We are going to get to stop by his house near the end of our summer for a day or two and hang out with him and his family, which we are all really excited about. I am excited to meet his wife, who he is so in love with, and his children which he talks so highly about. It will be good.
My girls this week were neat girls, but girls who had really really rough lives. It was heart breaking. Constantly. What they had been through was mind boggling. Horrible, horrible things that no one should have to go through. My heart felt pained and broken for them because of their pasts, because of what they were going through now, and most of all, because many of them don't know what it means to walk through life with God. They don't have a relationship with the Lord, and so they walk through all lifes crud on their own. Dealing with the pain any way they can.
I was constantly in prayer for them this week that God would get ahold of their hearts. That he would soften their hearts and draw them to himself. I never saw any huge change in their lives- but I left knowing that I had to trust God with them. Trust that he wasn't done working in their lives and trusting that he loves them more than I do. It was hard though.
It was a good week, but it was a hard one. God continually showed me his faithfulness and his love for me. I continually saw Him working in my life, teaching me, changing me, showing me that I need to drop my agenda and pick up His. Showing me that it is good, and Christ-like to bear my girls burdens, and to have a heart that is broken for them, reminding me to always be real and honest and not make anything professional. Seeing Darrin and the kind of dad and husband he was and the way he represented the Lord was really neat, but also made me cry on more than one occasion out of longing to have a dad like that. It made a longing and pain come alive that I have suppressed for awhile.
Having Darrin, the speaker from last weeks camp, be at this camp as well, was a huge blessing. He was such an encouragement to our team. He was intentional to encourage us, to check up on us to see how we were individually doing, and to pray for us. God really spoke through him, once again, during chapel sessions- the kids loved him, as did we. But even more than his ability to make us all laugh or his great teaching during chapel- was the way he represented Jesus. He represented Jesus well. He loved well.
It was really hard to say goodbye to Him at the end of th week. We are going to get to stop by his house near the end of our summer for a day or two and hang out with him and his family, which we are all really excited about. I am excited to meet his wife, who he is so in love with, and his children which he talks so highly about. It will be good.
My girls this week were neat girls, but girls who had really really rough lives. It was heart breaking. Constantly. What they had been through was mind boggling. Horrible, horrible things that no one should have to go through. My heart felt pained and broken for them because of their pasts, because of what they were going through now, and most of all, because many of them don't know what it means to walk through life with God. They don't have a relationship with the Lord, and so they walk through all lifes crud on their own. Dealing with the pain any way they can.
I was constantly in prayer for them this week that God would get ahold of their hearts. That he would soften their hearts and draw them to himself. I never saw any huge change in their lives- but I left knowing that I had to trust God with them. Trust that he wasn't done working in their lives and trusting that he loves them more than I do. It was hard though.
It was a good week, but it was a hard one. God continually showed me his faithfulness and his love for me. I continually saw Him working in my life, teaching me, changing me, showing me that I need to drop my agenda and pick up His. Showing me that it is good, and Christ-like to bear my girls burdens, and to have a heart that is broken for them, reminding me to always be real and honest and not make anything professional. Seeing Darrin and the kind of dad and husband he was and the way he represented the Lord was really neat, but also made me cry on more than one occasion out of longing to have a dad like that. It made a longing and pain come alive that I have suppressed for awhile.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
WEEK 2: Camp Praise; Sweet Home, OR
After our long week at Gilead, we arrived at Camp Praise, exhausted and not at all feeling ready for our next group of kids to arrive. We were pleasantly surprised when we pulled into the camp though to find that it was a very homely and simple camp..in a beautiful way. The staff was small, the grounds were small, the games were fun, but simple, and it was beautiful. There is such a beauty to simplicity.
My cabin of jr highers soon arrived, and our 2nd week of camp began..
The week was good. Really good. Like I said, the camp was simple, but it was focused on God. It was focused on loving the Lord and loving these jr highers we were with. We started out our mornings together in a staff meeting focusing our eyes on Jesus and praying together. We went out during the day as 1 team, with a unity and love that only Christ can bring- and we went out and let Jesus love these kids through us. My cabin of girls, for the most part, was a really sweet cabin. I got to have one-on-one time with all of them and find out about their lives, their struggles, and their walks with God. I got to laugh with them, and cry with them. And most exciting of all, I got to sit with one of my little girls, Zoey, as she prayed to tell the Lord that she needed forgiveness and that she believed in him, and that she wanted to see him and hear him and be with him..and that she loved him so much! It was a simple and beautiful prayer.
Darron, the speaker at the camp this week, was blunt, fiery, and real. He said things like they were, and I appreciated that. The whole week he talked about what it meant to be "A person after God's own Heart." He used the life of David as an example because David is the person that God calls a man after his own heart. I learned so much from Darron this week. God really used what Darron was talking about, the way Darron loved the kids, the way Darron talkes about his wife and marriage, and the way Darron lived his life to teach and encourage me. It was really neat hearing Darron talk about his wife, Candy, and hearing him say that she is hot, that she is his best friend, that he is a better person because of her, and that he loves the Lord more because of her. He went on and on about her, about how great it was being married to her, and then he got all choked up because he missed her so much (after only 3 days!). Although this may seem like not a big deal, to me it was. To me it was a huge testimony and example of what a marriage should look like. I have never seen a guy talk so highly and respectfully about his wife and their marriage. It gave me hope.
Darron's talk about being a person after God's own heart really challenged me and made me think. He had 8 main points:
A person after God's own heart:
1. may be unnoticed by most but will always be noticed by the one who matters most
2. cares more about God's honor than his own life
3. maintains a proper perspective of lives problems- has God's peace, power, and presence
4. will always find faithful friends
5.will always honor the perfectly placed authorities in his life
6. will always extend to others what God has extended to them- mercy, forgiveness
7. will always faithfully fight, resist, and run from temptation
8. is always willing, ready, and able to boast about God's bigness and our littleness- the goodness and faithfulness of God
God taught me so much through these different points about what it means to be a person after God's heart. He challenged me to look at my friends and decide if they were pulling me towards Christ, or away. He challenged me to be quick to boast about God and his faithfulness in my life. He challenged me to long to be noticed by God, instead of people. He challenged me to care more about God's honor, than what people think of me.
At the beginning of this week I talked with God and asked him to help me have a heart that was present. I realized how long I have lived just trying to get through the day, just dragging through waiting for the next day, waiting for my next breathe of fresh air. I don't fully invest my heart and mind into every moment...and I need to. I was not making the most of every moment, and I need to and want to, to honor God. So that was my prayer as I went into this week to have a heart that was fully there and that loved my girls and invested in my girls- and I felt like God granted me that...and it was wonderful! It was draining, and hard at times..but it was good. And I am so thankful!
God has been so faithful to me. Faithful in bringing me encouragement. Faithful in giving me strength when I have none. Faithful in giving me words when I have none. He has been faithful in working in and through this mess of a person that I am, and using me to bring honor to Him.
My cabin of jr highers soon arrived, and our 2nd week of camp began..
The week was good. Really good. Like I said, the camp was simple, but it was focused on God. It was focused on loving the Lord and loving these jr highers we were with. We started out our mornings together in a staff meeting focusing our eyes on Jesus and praying together. We went out during the day as 1 team, with a unity and love that only Christ can bring- and we went out and let Jesus love these kids through us. My cabin of girls, for the most part, was a really sweet cabin. I got to have one-on-one time with all of them and find out about their lives, their struggles, and their walks with God. I got to laugh with them, and cry with them. And most exciting of all, I got to sit with one of my little girls, Zoey, as she prayed to tell the Lord that she needed forgiveness and that she believed in him, and that she wanted to see him and hear him and be with him..and that she loved him so much! It was a simple and beautiful prayer.
Darron, the speaker at the camp this week, was blunt, fiery, and real. He said things like they were, and I appreciated that. The whole week he talked about what it meant to be "A person after God's own Heart." He used the life of David as an example because David is the person that God calls a man after his own heart. I learned so much from Darron this week. God really used what Darron was talking about, the way Darron loved the kids, the way Darron talkes about his wife and marriage, and the way Darron lived his life to teach and encourage me. It was really neat hearing Darron talk about his wife, Candy, and hearing him say that she is hot, that she is his best friend, that he is a better person because of her, and that he loves the Lord more because of her. He went on and on about her, about how great it was being married to her, and then he got all choked up because he missed her so much (after only 3 days!). Although this may seem like not a big deal, to me it was. To me it was a huge testimony and example of what a marriage should look like. I have never seen a guy talk so highly and respectfully about his wife and their marriage. It gave me hope.
Darron's talk about being a person after God's own heart really challenged me and made me think. He had 8 main points:
A person after God's own heart:
1. may be unnoticed by most but will always be noticed by the one who matters most
2. cares more about God's honor than his own life
3. maintains a proper perspective of lives problems- has God's peace, power, and presence
4. will always find faithful friends
5.will always honor the perfectly placed authorities in his life
6. will always extend to others what God has extended to them- mercy, forgiveness
7. will always faithfully fight, resist, and run from temptation
8. is always willing, ready, and able to boast about God's bigness and our littleness- the goodness and faithfulness of God
God taught me so much through these different points about what it means to be a person after God's heart. He challenged me to look at my friends and decide if they were pulling me towards Christ, or away. He challenged me to be quick to boast about God and his faithfulness in my life. He challenged me to long to be noticed by God, instead of people. He challenged me to care more about God's honor, than what people think of me.
At the beginning of this week I talked with God and asked him to help me have a heart that was present. I realized how long I have lived just trying to get through the day, just dragging through waiting for the next day, waiting for my next breathe of fresh air. I don't fully invest my heart and mind into every moment...and I need to. I was not making the most of every moment, and I need to and want to, to honor God. So that was my prayer as I went into this week to have a heart that was fully there and that loved my girls and invested in my girls- and I felt like God granted me that...and it was wonderful! It was draining, and hard at times..but it was good. And I am so thankful!
God has been so faithful to me. Faithful in bringing me encouragement. Faithful in giving me strength when I have none. Faithful in giving me words when I have none. He has been faithful in working in and through this mess of a person that I am, and using me to bring honor to Him.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Week 1: Mt. Gilead, Sebastapol, CA
We started out our summer adventure by getting up at 4AM and driving straight through from Cannon Beach, OR, to Sebastapol, CA - A 12 hour drive to our first camp, Mt. Gilead. The week at Gilead was, to say the least, an exhausting and stretching week. It was a tough week. Several different factors played into why the week was so exhausting and tough. For one, Gilead is a very loud and enthusiastic camp. It is like a pep rally from high school...THAT NEVER STOPS! You are constantly screaming, yelling, making up cheers, and participating in competitions- and it never ends. It is so high energy, and being a counselor, it was my job to help get the kids all loud and screaming and cheering. This was so draining for me because I'm not an enthusiastic person. I felt pushed into a position of being someone I wasn't. I felt out of place. Along with this I felt very imprisoned. I couldn't seem to laugh, joke around, be silly, to just let loose and be real. It left me frustrated with myself, yet not knowing how to let go and be real. I realized this is the way I feel most places I go. It follows me almost everywhere I go. I have a hard time letting down my guard and letting myself be real. I just close off. I don't like it..but I don't know how to change, I don't know how to not do that. But I feel like it is selling myself short and not honoring God, because I am not being who he created me to be..it's like I'm hiding who he has made me- but doing it unintentionally.
Both of these things were factors into why it was such a tough week, but the hardest, most discouraging part for me was that every day, I felt like I tried so hard to love my girls, to talk to them, to get to know them, and in morning and evening cabin discussions to really dive in deep and talk about the Lord with them- and I felt like we got no where. Right when we would start getting into a good conversation about the Lord, about their struggles, about death, etc. something would happen, some distraction that would tear all my girls attention away, the moment would be lost..never to be seen again.
I left the camp feeling like a failure. Feeling like I failed my girls..and worst of all, feeling like I failed God. I so badly wanted to represent him well. I so badly wanted my girls to see Jesus in me. I wanted them to see and feel his love, to see who he is through me and desire to know him. But I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I still failed. Now don't get me wrong, there were lots of fun things about the camp- I got reunited with an old friend from high school who randomly was working at the camp as well (she was a huge encouragement to me!) ,we had a great time in the mud pit wrestling around, great fun playing ultimate clue, tons of fun getting crazily dressed up by my girls and doing a fashion show ending with a belly flop off the diving board into the pool...but what do those things matter..if I failed to represent God? .....what do they matter? They don't. I want to love God. I wanted my girls to know and love God..yet I failed to represent Him well. I found myself praying that I wouldn't be the only "Jesus" they ever meet. That God would bring someone into their lives who would better represent him to these girls.
Both of these things were factors into why it was such a tough week, but the hardest, most discouraging part for me was that every day, I felt like I tried so hard to love my girls, to talk to them, to get to know them, and in morning and evening cabin discussions to really dive in deep and talk about the Lord with them- and I felt like we got no where. Right when we would start getting into a good conversation about the Lord, about their struggles, about death, etc. something would happen, some distraction that would tear all my girls attention away, the moment would be lost..never to be seen again.
I left the camp feeling like a failure. Feeling like I failed my girls..and worst of all, feeling like I failed God. I so badly wanted to represent him well. I so badly wanted my girls to see Jesus in me. I wanted them to see and feel his love, to see who he is through me and desire to know him. But I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I still failed. Now don't get me wrong, there were lots of fun things about the camp- I got reunited with an old friend from high school who randomly was working at the camp as well (she was a huge encouragement to me!) ,we had a great time in the mud pit wrestling around, great fun playing ultimate clue, tons of fun getting crazily dressed up by my girls and doing a fashion show ending with a belly flop off the diving board into the pool...but what do those things matter..if I failed to represent God? .....what do they matter? They don't. I want to love God. I wanted my girls to know and love God..yet I failed to represent Him well. I found myself praying that I wouldn't be the only "Jesus" they ever meet. That God would bring someone into their lives who would better represent him to these girls.
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