I'm exhausted. Trout Creek was a huge camp- 260 jr highers. It was definitely one of the toughest camps for me yet. God didn't seem like that big of a deal to the people there- it was like a side thing. We had a chapel once in the morning, and then a Bible study with our cabin later in the afternoon, and that was as far as it went with stuff with God. The camp didn't seem like it was about God. Most of the staff were young highschoolers who, although they were very friendly, were also very self-focused and didn't seem to share our goal of being there for the campers, to represent Jesus, and lead them to Christ. Part of the struggle probably came with the huge contrast too between coming from the camp in Montana which was completely about God- where you heard the gospel 5 or 6 times a day..and then going to a camp that was quite different. I found myself being desperate for God to give me a heart that was a present. A heart and mind set that wasn't just going through the motions to get through the week- but one that was actually present and making the most of every opportunity..and loving my girls and representing Jesus to them. The Bible study times that I got to lead for my cabin (of 13 girls!) turned out to be actually pretty good. It ended up being one of my favorite parts of the day, and it was neat to hear near the end of the week that it was some of my girls favorite times as well. I learned that I needed to speak about things that I was passionate about- things that were real to me. Things that God had taught me that I was excited about. It had to be real and something that God had put on my heart- otherwise, the kids won't even care about it. Basically, if its not truly important to me, it won't be to them either.
I found myself being desperate for God, and once again, seeing him come through and be faithful in my desperation and in my seeking of Him, to reveal himself to me..to give me a heart that was present, and a heart for my girls. He is so good.
This weekend we got to go to Gold Hill and stay with Darrin and his family (that speaker we got to know from 2 of our camps early on in the summer). It was a good weekend..but a very emotionally draining weekend. It was so good to get to hang out and be around Darrin again..to meet his wife and kids and to get to be around them. It was draining though because I was constantly fighting back tears as it stired up the longing to have a dad I was close to like Darrin..a family like Darrin's. It stirred up pain and longings that cause pain. It was good for me to be around Darrin and his wife Candi, and to see the love and respect they have for each other..and I defintely really value the time I got to have with them. It will be sad to take off tomorrow...I am grateful for the time we got with them though, and that God put them in my life, even if only for a short time.
As I see the summer coming to an end, my curiousity and sometimes anxiouty for what comes after this increases. Where will I be? Is God going to open a door somewhere for me? Will I go back to school somewhere? Get an apartment? Have to go back to Portland? There are a few things on my heart.. but right now they are not a possiblity. Will God change the seemingly impossible? What is my desires and what is God's desires for me? Are they alligned or conflicting? Pray that I will hear God's voice about where I should be going after this.
Pray for me and my team as we finish out these last two weeks. Pray that we will finish strong..that we will represent the Lord well. That kids will come to know Him.
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